What humility is not

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Humility is a virtue that you either are humble or not.

Have you ever thought that if you have to think "I have to be humble, because if not people are going to ..." you are, in fact, not humble? Are you afraid / ashamed of not having the image of being humble? Did you notice how this is a distorted perception of what humility really is? Because when you are humble you aren't worried about being judged. If you have to think on how the others are perceiving your humbleness, then you are more worried about validation! The humble person does not seek validation! If you have to show how humble you are to earn respect from others. That's not humility!

Suppose that you are very rich and you want to promote yourself as humble. To do so you think on simplicity. A cheaper car, cheaper food, cheaper clothes. So on. There is a deep contradiction in this behavior. To show off does not blend well with humility. To be humble means to be humble. Not to think that you have to show off as being humble!

If you truly are humble you don't worry about how you compare to others. The humble one does not have to worry about being above or below others. The humble one respects oneself and does not depend on external validation. Humble people accept reality the way it is and see the value in things without judgements. They value what they are, what they have and do not feed enviousness. They aren't ashamed of themselves and know that they aren't perfect. They know they have limits on how much they know, how much they can do and how far they can go.

Due to some personal experiences and stories I've read in communities, plus the knowledge about narcissism. There is a behavior that may seem humility to whoever is doing it, yet it isn't. To say things such as "you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, while I wasn't", "you have a degree, whereas I don't", "I don't deserve your attention", "I'm weak", "I don't have strength", "I'm not smart", "I'm a fool / stupid" or "you are lucky to achieve this or reach that". This type of reasoning and thoughts are self-deceptive because whoever says them thinks they are humble when, in fact, they aren't. To be poor, to have nothing in life, to not have any value, to be rejected, to make zero difference in the world. All those thoughts are not signs of humility. They are, in fact, trying to find reason where there isn't any. Those negativistic thoughts are synonyms of self-pity, self-loathing, self-deprecation, martyrdom. Those imply a heavy feeling of self-humiliation or victimhood that are attempting to make the others feel sorry. They may also involve manipulation and blackmailing because some people out there can do it to exploit others. What is hidden behind such reasoning is the belief that only rich people are arrogant and prideful. This reasoning is implying that one is thinking that the character of a person depends on their social class.

An interesting case to think about. The phrase "you are more humble than me". Sometimes one may say it in an attempt to compliment another person. That is a mistake! We can't compare humility among people! If you try to compare whether one person is more humble than another, humility loses its meaning. It's not possible to stablish a scale or degrees or humility because humility is a humble virtue. Are you trying to compliment or praise or are you self-deprecating? If you generalize and think "the others are always more humble than me", then we are back to the previous paragraph.

The false modesty is easily confused with humility because with it the person denies or rejects their own value, their own skills or qualities. One possible reason for it is a misinterpretation of what arrogance is, as if to possess good values and qualities would equate to look down on or to belittle others. A hidden trauma could explain this behavior. If some good offer is made to you or earn a prize and rejects it under the premisse that you don't deserve it. Exaggerated self-criticism can hide traumas or beliefs such as "I'm self-sufficient, I don't depend on others and I don't need applause or validation at all". Can those be signs of a mental health problem? It depends on the intensity and frequency of them. If their levels are high enough to be present in multiple aspects of one's life, then we do have a problem.

To be humble is not to be poor! To be humble is not to play the victim! To be humble is not to blame everything and everyone! To be humble is not to resort to pure luck and bad luck to explain all things! To be humble is not to run away from problems! To be humble is not to have a chronic fear of failure or losses! Humility is not ingratitude! Humility is not to take everything on your own shoulders or to never entrust to others!

See how humility relates to fear, shame, rage, confidence, ego, pride, insecurity, sadness, envy and arrogance? Do you know what happens to people who lack humility? They are very easy to offend. I'd also add that the lack of humility, when are talking about people who are arrogant, full of themselves, haughty or presumptuous has another consequence. People with these traits can be easy to trick or easily fall during power struggles, because these people are more blind and more prone to err. People with these traits may think that they know it all and that nobody would trick them, but there is always somebody who is going to perceive vulnerabilities in them to trick them. Scammers, on the other hand, may believe that they are smarter than everybody else and this is their Achilles heel. Because another scammer may take their place at any time.

Extra comment: I asked about how good of a representation of humility the above image was in reddit and somebody pointed me to H.P. Lovecraft. The concept of "cosmic horror" is that every person is a small dot in comparison to the whole universe. The universe is dark and terrifying because there is a lot that we don't know about it. It's a monster that can devour whoever dares to venture into it. Humility in the context of "cosmic horror" is the extreme opposite of megalomania, because nobody can remotely achieve godhood or know it all.

If you take a look at the gallery of I.A. generated images that I made to represent humility. Some of them depict a rich person sharing an umbrella with a poor kid. After a while I've realized that I confused humility with compassion and solidarity. Everything that I said about humility above discusses how you can't be humble if you want to show off as being humble. If you see a rich person defending the poor or making donations for the poor, that's compassion and solidarity. Humble people tend to be more compassionate and supportive. However, are compassionate people humble? Is the reciprocal always true? Not always. It may be a matter of a public image like I just said previously. The conclusion is that I had a notion of humility which was more materialistic and concrete.

What's the difference between solidarity and compassion? I'd say that a solidary gesture is driven by compassion. Compassion is about emotion and feelings. Solidarity would be the visible part, the gesture, in layman terms. As I mentioned before, a solidary gesture can be superficial and driven more by a public image concern than a deeper emotional force. Therefore, when we have a stronger emotional component in a gesture, there is also more compassion in it.

H.P. Lovecraft - Cosmic horror Compassion or humility? (Falsity? This is one possible interpretation in an age where narcissism and deceit are so common in our world) Humility or enlightment? (The idea was to represent knowledge in the form of a giant tree, much larger than a person. It accidentally ended up being similar to Yggdrasil from the nordic mythology)

References (portuguese only):

References (english)

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